About You

I have collected (volunteered) information about other RSG’s for many years and love to hear your stories. If you would like to share, I would be delighted to hear where you’ve been and where you’re going on your own path of discovery or re-discovery!

58 thoughts on “About You

  1. Pingback: Recovering Straight Girl » Blog Archive » It's That Time of Year

    • I am 29 years old, 5 year aniversary with my husband will be in a couple months. We have two children – boy and girl – 6 and 4. We live in Midwest USA. I have never been emotionally, spiritually, or sexually fulfilled by him. But we are otherwise best friends. Sad, because I fell in love with a female co-worker/old friend just over 2 years ago, and it is killing me to think I will have to leave my marriage or face a lifetime of mediocrity.

      So here I am …. trying to figure it all out. Is divorce the answer? Is she being unreasonable to just expect me to walk away from this life I have built with him? – No. However, he is completely willing (and actually seems very comfortable) with me being a “married lesbian” – married to him that is and seeing her. He does not expect sex..thank goodness. He actually encourages me to go out with her while he stays home with the kids. Maybe there is a lesbian somewhere I could date who would like the fact that I have a separate life from her…that I wouldn’t smother her.

      I know he loves me….and I love him. I just wish he could fulfill me. And visa versa. I want that “connection” I just can’t get with men!! (can anyone?) But is that worth giving up everything else? – A great friendship to him, comfortable life, etc. My whole life I seem to have always “rushed” into making big decisions – marriage, kids, career… I now realize that this is another BIG decision, and am trying to take my time. Read blogs such as this, books, and soul search before making any decisions. My goal is to be able to look back at this with NO regrets! No matter what I decide, I want it to be “well with my soul”.

      Hey! A big thanks to you for this blog!!! If it weren’t for this and the book I read (Married to a man in love with a woman), I think I would be in a mental ward somewhere! Seriously, how did women do it before us?!!?!

      • I was married for 18 years to a man that encouraged and even occasionally pushed me to have a sexual relationship with another woman; I turned it down every single time. Until this last time (almost two years ago). Thanks to him, I met a woman that I was very attracted to – and she to me. He thought it was great…..until I actually started a relationship with her. To keep this short: I started seeing her, he threw a fit, I broke up with her, he got us back together, he threw a fit, I broke up with her, he got us back together, I finally kicked his a$$ to the curb. Now, mind you, there was a WHOLE LOT more involved than just that….I guess my point to you is that his encouragement may not be all it appears at the moment. You very well may realize that once you are with a woman, your life will NEVER look the same. Just be prepared for what might come – I wish you well =)

  2. Hello my name is Shelly and let me start by saying i love this blog.
    I am 32 and was married to a man for 11 years. we have 2 wonderful children. a daughter who is 14 and a 7 year old son. I have been out now for almost 5 years well 4 to the rest of the world and 5 to the ex. He was good with it at first and told me that it was easier to lose me to a woman than to another man. this was only till he realised that he had been replaced. I have a wonderfulpartner, her name is kristy. We have been together for 3 years married (illegal of ocurce) for 18 months. we have a beautiful 14 month old son together. Kristy is just mama to them and they really do not think of her as a step mom. My oldest was asked about her step mom and she told them about her dads newest wife. Whene they asked about kristy her responce was ohh thats my mama not my step mom. they both just adore her. we sort of co parent with the ex, her gets the kids on friday and saturday and every other sun. I like the new wife. she make him ok to tolerate. hope this helps. the story is sooo much better and there are soo many funny things that the moron ex did but i don’t want to waste your space. you have my email if you need more. thanks again for a great blog. shelly

  3. Hi my name is Lisa I live in the land down under(Australia)I have an American girlfriend her name is Tammy she lives in North Carolina we’ve been together for almost 3 years this November in a long distance relationship…I wouldn’t recomend that kind in a million years so very hard.
    I was married for 17 years beofre I told my husband that I was a lesbian and had found my true love I was living in the land of denial and I just couldn’t do it anymore not for him or my kids.
    He was shocked to say the least and had great pleasure in outing me to every single person we had know other than that I’d have to say he never cause me much more greif than that we say what we have to say to each other regarding the kids and thats it.We had 3 children 2 boys and 1 girl my son and daughter chose to live with him and my youngest son came with me because the kids were older I let them choose who they wanted to live with he bribed my oldest son promising him a car which he never got.
    I have always been honest with all 3 children about my sexuality they new right from the start and they have met Tammy on various trips over here Tammy doesn’t have any kids.
    Tammy’s comming here to live with me next year as my relationship isn’t reconized over there for immigration purpouses which sucks majorly I would love to live over there for a time get a job as simple as that sounds its so not.
    Anyway I hope you can add our story to your collection Tammy’s 42 and I’m 44 I’ve been out for 3 years and well Tammy isn’t out over there living in the South and all sad but true at least here she can be out and feel safe cause I would have to say Australia is welcoming to Lesbians well were I live anyway.
    I love your blog thank you for sharing Oh and It’s so crazy to read your school year is starting now cause ours starts in Febraury.
    Bye for now Lisa and Tammy!

  4. Hi. My name is Lori and I live in the deep south. I was married for 13 years to a man, had two wonderful sons with him, ages 11 and 8 now. I fell in love with my best friend and kissed her. My whole world changed that moment. I knew when that happened that I was a lesbian. And I had no idea before that. I told my H within 2 months of that event, and moved out one month later. I was a stay hom mom, so I had to get a job immediately. My ex and I share 50/50 custody. We get along where the kids are concerned. He never believed I was gay and still doesn’t. My best friend ended up leaving her partner of 13 years and now lives with me. My kids love her and think of her as one of the many people who love them. I gradually started telling people when this happened. Almost all of our friends know, my family does not know, my co-workers don’t know yet.
    It will soon get around because everyone else knows. I am happy for the first time in my life, trying to make my way in this new way of life, and my partner is still my best friend too.

  5. Hi – my name is Kim and I separated from my husband and got my own apartment in June 2006. Our divorce proceedings are about two-thirds over. Our 15th wedding anniversary was yesterday, September 4th. I’m 37 now and was 27 when I first slept with a woman. I wasn’t ready to accept myself in my late twenties and went on with our marriage and had two wonderful sons, now 7 and 5. Funny, toward my mid-thirties I was pretty much willing to do and try anything in an effort to save the marriage, including forming a rather polyamorous bond with another couple in which the four of us swapped, etc. I eventually felt like I was living a double life and wanted to spend most of my time with the other woman in this foursome. She didn’t want to leave her husband and family, however, which eventually meant me breaking away from all of it. I’m happy to say that I do now have a partner and we have been together for a little over a year. When I separated from my husband last year I made the very difficult decision to leave my children with my husband due to the nature/difference in our work lives (I work 60 plus hour weeks while he’s home by 4:00 pm every afternoon). We are on a every other weekend rotation for visitation, which seems to be working well. I work very hard to be as active as I can within their lives, being there for the first day of school, for games, etc. My partner does not have children and hasn’t been married and we do experience a few issues when it comes to the kids since it’s so new to her. Thankfully, my boys love to interact and hang out with her. That she has cats doesn’t hurt her popularity. As far as my ex goes, since none of this was a surprise to him he’s been pretty good. He’s had bouts of anger and frustration with me in which he shows me he’s not really getting it (“You’re leaving me all because of sex!”) and has expressed that I am self-centered, but our disagreements have been more on the minor side since I was always frank with him about my sexuality and my discoveries in my late twenties. I am grateful that he frames explanations of what’s transpired positively to our boys. I am definitely a recovering straight girl, and my partner loves this name. I can’t tell you how many of your posts I’ve forwarded to her – most recently the one on the friendships you lost after coming out. Please know how instrumental your blog is to women. Long live RSGs!

  6. Hello,

    My name is Patri and I am a Recovering Straight Girl.

    I started dating my now-ex-husband when I was 16. We married when I was 20 and divorced when I was 23. We have one child, a son. Our son was 3 when we divorced and will be 7 in November. My XH and I actually divorced because he had an affair, not because I realized I was a lesbian. That realization came soon after the divorce. I was in college and I met a girl in one of my classes. As soon as I met her I was totally gone.

    I had had crushes on my friends before, but I could never imagine even kissing them. I just loved their company and they met needs in my life that men didn’t. My XH knew this, even in the marriage and would often make offhand comments about my “lesbianism”. I resisted that label. But, he obviously knew something I didn’t. He and I have never had a conversation about my sexuality, but I know he knows. We have had a couple of conversations about my now-ex-girlfriend, and he has been supportive in that he knows that I am in pain and he listens a little. We have a strange friendship-type relationship, because there is still mutual caring, just no romantic love. I think that’s good, for the sake of our kidlet.

    The girl in my college class became my girlfriend. I met her and suddenly I could imagine kissing a girl, and doing other stuff as well. She and I were together for four years. Our relationship ended only recently, and not on great terms, unfortunately. However, in my relationship with her, I learned to accept and love my lesbianism. I simply cannot have another relationship with a man. I know now that I love women and that, although I need some time right now to figure some other things out about myself, all of my future relationships will be with women. (In my humble opinion) sex with a woman is so much more fulfilling and intimate than heterosexual sex. And I believe our relationship was so much closer and more intimate than the hetero relationships I attempted.

    When my XGF and I were together, she did not have much of a role in the life of my child. She loved him, as did her family, but she didn’t and doesn’t want children and really didn’t make much room in her life for him. (I think that contributed to the ultimate demise of our relationship and learning how to integrate my life with my son’s life is one of the things I’m working out before I try another relationship.) She spent time with me and my son, and she occasionally shared in some of my parenting responsibilities, but when we finally moved in together, there was no room for my son. Literally and, to some extent, figuratively. My son love(d) my XGF and her family as well, and he knew that she and I were together, but I’m not sure that he was old enough to fully grasp what that means in the grand scheme of things. He knows that we love(d) each other the way that daddy and his girlfriend love each other.

    My XH and I share custody, but he has primary physical custody and I have visitation every other weekend and one weeknight every week. We used to split his time evenly, half and half, but when our son started school, we agreed it would be better to give one of us primary custody. We lived in different cities and I was going to school whereas my XH had a 9-5 job and a girlfriend with two of her own kids and one kid with him. So they had a nice little nuclear family set up that I thought would give our son the stability he needed while in school. The idea is that our son will have that kind of upbringing with my XH and I will provide the kinds of experiences the XH cannot or does not–for example I have plans to start travelling overseas with him in 3 years, and XH is totally supportive.

    I have a lot of love for my XGF. She is a beautiful, intelligent, strong woman who gave me a lot of love and understanding–as much as she was capable of. She and I were just not a great fit. I am looking forward to loving another woman at some point, and I look forward to sharing my life with my son and that woman. I want to show him that love isn’t defined by gender.

    If you would like to know more, feel free to contact me. I believe you have my email, but if not, there is a link to it off of my blog, the address of which you should have through the comment feature.

    I think this project is a phenomenal idea and I wish you luck. Thank you.

  7. I was married for almost 7 years to a man. Prior to that I had bounced from relationship to relationship with men, the longest never lasting more than a year. I never truly felt fulfilled sexually and just always thought ‘all women’ felt that way about sex after marriage. I was 29 when I returned to work after maternity leave with my second child and it was then I met a lesbian woman that I just couldn’t stop thinking about. I met her in January and by July 1st, I had moved out of my house and my husband filed for divorce. She left her wife of 5 years and we have been together ever since. My ex and I have two children, 6 and 2 years old. My ex had a VERY difficult time with my choice and was very angry for a good year. He’s coming around, but he didn’t believe me to be a lesbian in the beginning. We share 50/50 custody with our boys and it works out pretty well. My partner does not have children, but wants to have a child herself in the future. She plays a HUGE role in my children’s lives. She is their playmate, their best friend, and their confidant. They adore her and she is a parent to them in every sense and loves my kids as much as I do. Overall, 2006 was the hardest year of my life, but 2007 has turned out to be the best.

  8. hi – my name is laura and i was married to my X for 20 years. we married right out of college. we have 3 daughters, who are 16, 13 and 9. we divorced 2.5 years ago. i never really thought of “gay” as an option – since i did everything my parents and society wanted me to – college, job, marry, kids, etc. i always had a dream about this woman with no face – but she was the person who completed my soul. i met her about 4 years ago. when i first met her i knew there was something more to her and it didn’t take me long to put a face on the woman in my dream. we became friends and eventually more. we bought a house a couple of years ago in the very conservative suburb (we call it the bubble) where i lived with the X and the girls. our neighbors are so cool about us – in that they don’t put a label on it – we are just us. the story is way more complicated and eventful than that but i won’t take up the space here to talk about it. it is nice to see there are others out there and we are not alone. where we live – sometimes it feels that way. good luck to all that have posted here. what great stories you all have.

  9. Hey, I came across your blog and thought I’d leave my info. My name is Michelle, I am 31, my wife is 37, we have been together almost 9 yrs and illegally married for almost 4. Here are the answers to your questions…

    1) How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man?

    I was married to my son’s father for 3 years. We met when I was 15 and he was 17. I was 17 when we got engaged, 18 pregnant, 19 gave birth, 20 married, 22 seperated, 23 offficially divorced. Hooked up with my partner who I was just friends with a few weeks after my then husband and I split. He knew from before we got married that I was attracted to women and had experimented with them. He loved me and married me anyway. I loved him very very much. He was just not good for me or our son. I considered myself bi-sexual for a long time. I knew I liked girls and boys from about age 10.

    2) At what age you began living a lesbian life?

    I was 22 when my now wife and I moved intogether. We were together for 6 months when I realized that I am not so much bi and lesbian. I can not imagine myself ever being with another person but if I were to be it would not be a man. I am the first and only woman my wife has ever been with. She will tell you that I am the only woman she consciously ever felt attracted to. I take that to mean she kinda knew all along but was repressed.

    3) How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now?

    I have an almost 12 (on 1/3/08) year old son and my wife has an 11 (since 10/12/07) year old son( she is divorced as well) . We are gonna try for one together. My son was 3 when I left his father and hers was 2 when she left his.

    4) What area of the country/world that you live in? (You don’t have to be specific.)

    We live in NY.

    5) The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life.

    My XH was relieved at first that I wasn’t with another man then he was angry and resorted to calling me a “f***ing dyke” alot, our divorce was fine but child support became an issue for him – After about a year or so of that he is fine with the whole lesbian thing. He has a new wife and a 3 yr old daughter. They let her stay with us all the time even for weekends away – I would say he has no problem with my lesbian life, although every now and then he does ask if there would ever be a chance that I would go back with him… ummm no. My wife’s XH has never acknowlwdged that we are together but I am sure he has no problem with it either otherwise he would say something.

    6) The amount of parenting time you share with your ex-husband.

    I have full and sole custody of my son. I give his father visitation, but I would say he almost never evern bothers with more then a phone call very often. (unless he needs someone to keep his daughter) He has all kind of issues. My son is better off without two much involvement from his dad. My wife has joint custody but her son has always lived with us. He sees his dad about 2-3 times a week.

    7) If you currently have a partner.

    see above

    8) If your partner has children.

    see above

    9) The role your partner plays in your children’s lives.

    She is his stepmother and he refers to her son as his brother. However, they have always butted heads. They are a lot more alike then either would like to admit and both would prefer to never have to share me.

    10) Do you and your partner have children together?

    not yet but crossing my fingers

  10. Want to thank you first and foremost for this amazing blog. You have a way with words and wit and I enjoy very much reading you.
    My name is Stefanie and I was married for 5 years. Actually, I am still married, but seperated. We were together nearly 7 years before the end of it all. I started living this lesbian life almost 3 months ago, but had had several experiences with women in my earlier years. I am 29 years old. I have 4 magnifiencent yet challenging children and they are 9, 5, 3 and 1. I live in NJ in minivan hell, in a very suburban town that I expect will not be thrilled about my cross over to the other team.
    My husbands attitude towards my lesbian life changes as his socks do. I met a wonderful lesbian woman through a friend of mine. I was instantly and insanely attracted to her from the get go. She sent chills up my spine and all I could think of was kissing her. She knew I was married and was a bit weary of starting anything with me even though the attraction was quite mutual. I couldn’t see enough of her. Anytime my friend went out with her, I needed to be there even if just to see and talk to her. I was upfront and honest with my husband about these feelings and he responded to me by saying he didn’t think that being with a woman was cheating. This was my green light. He left 3 days later for business in Europe. Her and I spent every waking moment together the week he was gone. I was intimate with her and loved every second of it. The night before he returned, I cried. I silently wished he would have stayed there. When he returned, I told him. I told him about our intimacy and also that I wanted to be near her as much as I could. I explained that I suspected it wasn’t just about the sex. He moved out 4 days later. since then, her and I have been inseperable. She has met my children and they have fallen in love with her as I know now I have too. She has met my family and friends and they cant help but love her too. My husband tells me somedays he is really happy for me. Others he is resentful and hurt and bitter and he lashes out and threatens to take it all from me. My response is you can take everything but my kids and her and I will be happy. Our marriage was in serious trouble before I met her, but we always managed to put a temporary band-aid on it and push on. I was making many concessions to the type of relationship I wanted to be solely because of the children. We both were unhappy. I feel like I have found my soul mate, the person that I was meant to grow old with and live the rest of my days on earth with. She completes me in ways I never imagined. I feel like such a fool for being with men my entire life who never really fullfilled me completely. Here it all is….wrapped up in her. Its unreal. I cannot get close enough to her, can’t be with her enough, its terrifying!
    He sees the kids very frequently. Its every other weekend and every Wendesday but I allow him to come and go so that the children and he can maintain a close relationship.
    My partner has no children but desperately loves the family I have created, sans the husband.

    I am so happy to have found this blog. You inspire me and make me laugh, thank you so much.

  11. 1. I was with my ex-husband for 5 years.
    2. I was 27 years old
    3. My ex and I did not have any children while we were together.
    4. I’m in the Portland metro area
    5. He hates me and thinks I’m a sinner and a worthless cheater.
    6. None
    7. I currently have a partner (only woman I’ve been with)
    8. We have a child together.
    9. She’s his other mama
    10. See #8. Our son was born in April ’07. :)

  12. How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man? I was married when I was 20 when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter who is now 12. We divorced after 18 months, after that I dated Bob for 3 yrs., after that I dated and got engaged to Rez for 5 yrs. In between there I dated several men and responded to one woman’s personal ad about being bi-curious, it never went any further than friendship.

    At what age you began living a lesbian life. I started dating a woman right before my 33rd birthday this past August.

    How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now? I have one daughter who was 18 months at the time of my divorce and she’s 12 now.

    What area of the country/world that you live in? (You don’t have to be specific.) I live on the East Coast of USA

    The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life. He doesn’t know.

    The amount of parenting time you share with your ex-husband. I do most of the parenting, he’s around MAYBE once a month.

    If you currently have a partner. Yes, I currently have a partner, I love her to death!!!

    If your partner has children. No, she does not have children.

    The role your partner plays in your children’s lives. Since I’m not out to my Mom or Daughter yet, she’s friends with my daughter.

    Do you and your partner have children together? No, and we won’t either.

  13. How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man?
    I spent most of my years with men. I married my ex 8 days after college graduation (just like I was supposed to). We were married for 8 years but together for 6.5. The other 1.5 were just about health insurance.

    At what age you began living a lesbian life.
    I lived my lfe, in my head, as a lesbian for quite some time. I came out, and into my first relationship when I was 29.

    How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now?
    I have one beautiful daughter. She is 12 now. She was 2 when her father and I divorced. My new girlfriend and I pretty much moved in together right away, so my kid only remembers growing up with two moms and a dad who lives somewhere else.

    What area of the country/world that you live in? (You don’t have to be specific.)
    At the time of the above I was in Oakland, CA. The dad and I met in San Diego and the kid was born in Dallas. The kid and I now live far far northern CA.

    The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life.
    He has no problem with it. I told him before we were married that I like women. Like most straight men I think that meant that he would be the lucky participant of a threesome. He has accepted my girlfriends and life. He is married again and is happy.

    The amount of parenting time you share with your ex-husband.
    I have the kid 3/4 of the time. I make most of the every day decisions with the kid and consult him on the bigger things. Sometimes when I am too tired to deal with a learning moment with her I tell her to go call her dad and tell him what she did. He and I pretty much agree on what we think is right and what we think is wrong and how to discipline her.

    If you currently have a partner.
    If your partner has children.
    The role your partner plays in your children’s lives.
    My partner and I broke up after 7 years togther. Like too many lesbian couples she thought the grass was greener on our best friend’s side of the fence. Before we moved in together we discussed what roll she would play in my kid’s life. She and I (and the dad) agreed that she would be mom. It was great while it lasted, but now it is a pain in the ass because, although she didn’t seem to have regard for our family when she left, she is constantly on my back now in regard to the kid. I have done nothing to keep them apart, but really don’t want to have anything to do with keeping them together. The kid is 12 and can call and e-mail of her own free will. Anyway, after that experience and based on my kid’s age, I decided no more co parents. I don’t expect someone I am with to not take part in her life, but I am not willing to share the most awesome place of parent with anyone elss.

    Do you and your partner have children together?
    I have not had a child with a partner. My ex girlfriend and I seriously considered it, but it never happened. In retrospect I am very glad for that.

  14. 1. I was married to B for six years. We were polyamorous.
    2. What’s a lesbian life? I first slept with a girl when I was 19. I lived with a woman, K, during my marriage to B. I started living in a monogamous female-female relationship at age 31 to a woman who is 46.
    3. Vasectomy when B and I were 26. Hooray for no more birth control! We did have several animals together.
    4. The Land of Moss and Ferns.
    5. He’s thrilled that I’m happy.
    6. We shared custody of our dog 50-50 until I moved 750 miles away.
    7. The lovely TW shares my bed and has my heart.
    8. TW has a cat named Sid.
    9. My dog slept with us once before we moved away. We’re going to visit her in a couple weeks.
    10. Nope, no kids (or animals) together. We make great aunties, though!

  15. Where to start? I’m 33. Just barely. My whole life I thought I was straight, but broken. I dated a lot when I was young, using sex to boost my self esteem. I never enjoyed sex with men but figured it was what I needed to do.

    When I was 21 I met my husband. He was 15 years older than me. He was a nice guy, had a job, and genuinely cared for me. I also genuinely cared for him. I figured that was as good as I was going to get. I thought I was unable to love. So at 21, I married him.

    Our life was nice. We had most of what we wanted. But sex was always an issue. He wanted more, I wanted never. I put out like a good wife. It was a chore, like doing the dishes or making someone’s lunch. You do it because you know it makes someone else happy, not because you want to.

    So we lived our married life, mostly happy. But he was never content with the intimacy in our life. 5 years into our marriage we met another couple. She and I were instantly best friends. This was unusual for both of us. Neither of us made friends often, muchless quickly… But within months we were inseperable. I thought I had met my lost sister.

    For 4 years we were all friends. Our husbands got on well, and we both liked each other’s husbands. But it was our friendship that was the cement. And eventually we realized we had been in love for a very long time.

    We began an affair (something I am in no way happy about or proud of). After a few short months my husband figured it out and the shit hit the fan. He demanded I stop seeing her. I refused, and to my surprise he allowed it. But he couldn’t handle it. I don’t blame him. He went nuts.

    After a couple of months I was forced to obtain a restraining order, change the locks, and file for divorce. He was awful. He threatened both of our lives, hid cameras in my home, and stalked us both. Eventually life returned to normal (after several moves to evade him). I finally finished my divorce last month, after 2 years…

    So not long after we separated I realized I was gay. It was the happiest day of my life. My whole life made sense. I wasn’t broken. I am able to love. I am alive. I will never settle again. All of the pieces fell into place and I realized I had been rather dense to not realize it before. Heck, the rest of the world was shocked whenever I mentioned that I was married. Duh… Apparently the rest of the world had better gaydar than I did.

    My wonderful beloved also realized she was gay, but took a bit longer to leave her marriage. I have been so lucky with wonderful friends and family. Sadly, her family is much less supportive and thinks we are going to hell. It was very hard for her to lose her family as they were very close.

    We have been together for 2 and half years. We bought a house together about a year ago. Neither of us have children (a choice we had both made in our marriages). We live in northwest Washington. My husband still hates us and I have no doubt would do us harm if we stumbled across his life. We both try hard to not ever be where he might be. I monitor him and know where he lives. I don’t think he knows where we live.

    Her husband was another story all together. He and I have been friends for a long time. He introduced me to his wife, thinking we were peas in a pod. He was right. Though he was devasted to lose his wife (they were together 20 years, married for 15), he understood. We actually all decided together to live together. He’s our roommate. After all these years, he just wasn’t ready to live alone.

    We both love him as a wonderful friend and as busy as we all are it takes three of us to make sure the dog gets lovin’ and fed every day. So he’s the polar opposite of my husband. He is starting to date, but he’s picky. I don’t blame him. My girlfriend is about the most incredible person I have ever met and she would be a hard act to follow.

    So that’s us… Two more recovering straight girls. I love your blog. It’s the only one I’ve ever read. I found it when I was researching Olivia (we’re now addicts too) and have been laughing my ass off ever since. Thanks for the smiles!

  16. My name is Wendy and I have been a RSG for 8 (almost 9) years. It had been a challenging journey, but I wouldn’t change a thing… except that I wish blogs/sites like this existed when I was first going through all this.
    1. How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man? For 15 years
    2. At what age you began living a lesbian life? Age 33
    3. How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now? Ages at time of divorce were 9, 6, and 4. Now, 17, 14 and 12.
    4. What area of the country/world that you live in? (You don’t have to be specific.) I live in Oregon!
    5. The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life. Whew. Got an extra page for that? I have battled threats, letters, emails and other condemnation from him over the last 8 years (all with th e”authority of God” on his side).
    6. The amount of parenting time you share with your ex-husband. 40/60
    7. If you currently have a partner. Yes. The same one since I left my husband.
    8. If your partner has children. Yes, the 14 and 12 year old.
    9. The role your partner plays in your children’s lives. She is loving and supportive step-mom.
    10. Do you and your partner have children together? No biological kids together. We were lucky enough to have our kids young when we got together so that they feel like siblings and we truly feel like parents.

    I am so glad I discovered your blog… and thanks for all you share!

  17. Hi, my name is Eileem and I just turned 34………I love reading your blogs, and I love reading everyone else’s stories..I couldn’t believe my eyes when I stumbled upon your site…there was more of us than I thought…….Well my story goes like this……….I was with my EH since I was 15, we moved in together at the age of 18, and I became pregnant at 19, got married and had a baby at 20, and then I had another baby at 22, another at 24, another at 26, and another at 28, and then my last babies arrived when I was 30….Yes I was blessed with 7 wonderfull, challenging kids……Our family was the perfect family in our tiny town of Hanson, MA…I grew up there, they are so narrow minded……I have been through many struggles in my life, and some pushed me into certain circumstances……I chose to marry my high school sweetheart, I wanted the guy who loved me no matter what, I wanted what I didn’t have in a father, and to fill a void inside of me, I was molested by my father early in life, and I didn’t come to terms with it until adult hood….I was adopted as a baby, and never felt like I belonged anywhere, so with my EH I felt I had everything I needed….We played the happy family for many years……..My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when my third child was a baby, and at the same time I had just found my birth family, so my life was in a bit of chaos, and my copping skills weren’t that great…..I had a hard time finding happiness, I had been thru so much, my mom was so sick, I was scared because we weren’t close and there was so much I wanted to tell her……My EX couldn’t deal with me, he thought I was going crazy,… I began couciling and learned I wasn’t crazy, I just needed to figure things out…I asked my EH to go to counciling, and of course NO was the answer……Well over the next two years, my mom battled, my EH and I battled…..My mom passed away in 2001, I was lost, I felt so broken, but I picked up the pieces and pretended to be the strong one, as everyone else percieved me……We bought a house of our own, because we had been living with my mom…..We had a new baby in between the death of my mom and the move, it was crazy….I felt that was it, our family was complete, I asked the EH to get fixed because we were done……but as most men, he didn’t…After moving into our new house, a very stressfull time for us due to financial issues, I found out I was pregnant, I thought how, we barely ever have sex………I went to my midwife and I was 4 months pregnant with TWINS………it was crazy…..but all babies are a miracle, so we embraced this news and being to tredge forward…….our marriage was not good, but we focused on the kids…….Okay so let me fast forward and tell you what brought me to this page….. I had told my EH I wanted out a million times, but how would we do it, he didn’t believe me for a minute…….Well things started to fall into place……I was coaching softball, and one of my assistants was a girl who grew up in the same town as myself, but was 7 years older….This woman, was known in town as “the lesbian”……I like her, she was great to coach with…..to my surprise I had strange feelings for her……what was wrong with me???? We hung out alot, my EH would say, you like her, etc…NO NO I would say…then one day, I had to finally admit it, I did like her, I was attracted to her body, mind and soul, she was awesome….So I asked if I could experiment with her, and of course a typical guys answer….only if I can too…..So we all fooled around, and in the end she and I realized we wanted to be together……I told my EH, he was crushed, we had been together for 17 years, married for 12 at the time……I felt bad, but I didn’t want to live my life without happiness, and my kids also deserved to have a happy mom…So I told him we were looking for a new place to live, and not a big deal because our house was in foreclosure, so I needed to get the kids out anyways…..My girlfriend and I looked at a million houses, we finally found on in Plymouth, MA…..She bought the house and we moved in with her and her two kids (two girls)….so under our roof we had 9 kids, ages 11,10,9,8,6, 4, 2,2, yes it was insane, but well worth the love…….My EH and I worked things out without going to court, we didn’t have any money, I was a stay at home mom, with no education, he was working two jobs….We had NO problems with money or visitation…well that is until he got a girlfriend a year after we moved, then the child support was changed, and I filed papers for a divorce……the man who once came to our house at least 3 times a week, who took the kids every weekend he was off, all of a sudden didn’t come around anymore, didn’t call anymore, etc…..It was so sad….he began being nasty to me, and to my GF…..we no longer could work together for the kids……and then my GF ex became nasty, hating her lesbian life style…Yes she was married too, but always new she was gay…..but her marriage fell apart because he had an affair…So anyways, things were bad in our house for a bit, her kids had a hard time adjusting, so finally they went to live with their dad, and things are bad, he says bad things about our lifestyle, and that we are going to hell, etc,…..that is a whole other story…..So my divorce was final on April 24, 2008, the day my EH asked his girlfriend to marry him…funny thing…..I don’t care except that she doesn’t like kids, and has changed him so much, he went from seeing the kids about 10 times a month to four times a month, no calls and no extra visits, child support has been an issue…..WE can’t communicate at all, it is awefull for the kids…..the courts have NOT been any help either….that too is another whole story….
    So my GF and I share all parenting roles, she does everything she can for the kids and myself……alot to take on…..Our kids living with us are now 13, 11, 9, 7,5, 3, 3…..They call her by her name, Barbie..We all have our moments, but for the most part we all get along…..
    We have been together for almost 3 years, and have had many challenges, but the one constant in our life is our love for eachother….I never thought I could feel such a connection with one person, I was always so closed off……but I have found my other half, my sole mate…I love and adore her like NO other……We do not plan to have any kids together, we have enough, and sometimes more than we can handle……..I never imagined being gay, not that there is anything wrong with it, my EH and I had lesbian friends, but I just never felt attracted to another woman…..but here I am, yes I am a dyke, lesbian, girl lover, whatever you want to call me….I am so proud of our love, I don’t hide it, and if people don’t like it, to bad for them….We have had to deal with discrimination with kids and adults, on the school bus, in the school building, etc but we just tell our kids it is about LOVE and no one should judge anyone…….So that is our life, sorry so long and drawn out, but that is maybe half of it..LOL

  18. How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man? Married for 19 years, together for 25

    At what age you began living a lesbian life. 43

    How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now? 2 b=15, g=13, now b=21, g=19

    What area of the country/world that you live in? (You don’t have to be specific.) New England

    The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life. I ruined his life….

    The amount of parenting time you share with your ex-husband.
    Now, kids are over 18 so NONE. Up till now as little as possible, all contact done by e-mail…unless he got drunk and decided to call my wife and rant and rave

    If you currently have a partner. Met on-line at an Alanon meeting in 2001

    If your partner has children. We have children together

    The role your partner plays in your children’s lives. None…they dislike her…she tried…alot.

    Do you and your partner have children together? Yes, 4 y/o adopted from Guatemala and a 8 month old carried by her.

  19. How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man? My ex and I started dating when I was 15, we married when I turned 20 and were married for 22 years.

    At what age you began living a lesbian life. 42

    How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now? Two daughters, 16 and 18 when we divorced, 23 and 21 now.

    What area of the country/world that you live in? (You don’t have to be specific.) Willamette Valley, Oregon

    The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life. Eventually he was OK. He didn’t see it coming.

    The amount of parenting time you share with your ex-husband. Both girls took a while to get used to the new me, so they spent most of their last teen-age years with him.

    If you currently have a partner. Yes, she adopted her first greyhounds from me. We were married in Vancouver, BC in 2003.

    If your partner has children. No

    The role your partner plays in your children’s lives. They call Karen their other mother.

    Do you and your partner have children together? No, but we have may greyhounds.

  20. I first heard of your site while visiting my ex-girlfriend. I check it frequently – I enjoy reading it.

    I’m 26. Shortly after high school my childhood best friend and I began exploring our sexualitiy with each other. I had been with one guy, but had very strong feelings for her. Our relationship ended after almost 2 years, but our friendship remained intact.

    My relationships with men were never really fulfilling. I had a “friend with benefits” that occupied about 3 years of my time. I had a couple of one night stands. I dated one man for just shy of a year.

    I didn’t truly start living a lesbian life until 25. I fell for a girl at work. She broke up with her girlfriend and we got together. Given my history of non-commitment and sex with boys, she was very apprehensive at first, but we both had feelings for each other that were undeniable. We have been together 7 months.

    “Children” : a 2 year old black lab and an 11 year old cat :)

    I live in Florida, near Orlando.

    No ex-husband, but my ex-friendwithbenefits thinks it’s great (he’s my best friend now). My friends and family have been very supportive. Reactions have all be positive. They ranged from “wow, I never thought you’d actually come out” to “I knew you liked her years ago.”

    I currently have a partner, and she is fantastic. She has been extremely supportive, but not pressuring, during the coming out process. I lost my parents when I was 13 and 21. Her parents have really been gracious and accepting of our relationship and have welcomed me into the family with open arms and giant hugs.

    We do not currently have children, though we would like to in about 5 years. She is applying for Seminaries now, and I am looking to go back to school and get my Master’s in Education and be a Principal … I feel bad for our future kids … children of a minister and a principal :)

  21. I am still married, but very much in love with a woman. I had no idea that I had these tendencies until I met D. All I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss her and just “be” with her. We have since had opportunity to be together, and it has been an incredible experience.

  22. Hi,
    i have been a fan of your blog for awhile.
    I recently came out to my friends and to his horror my husband of 10 years. I always knew that I was a lesbian but tried to live the straight life. My husband is devastated and so very hurt.We have children together, and he feels like I lied to him. (I should have told him years ago)
    I met the girl of my dreams and plan to spend the rest of my life with her.She is married to a man but I dont care. I know that she is in love with me too. We dont live in the same state but we spend all of our time obsessing about each other. Our phone bils are off the hook! She is the first woman that I have ever been with. I am so in love with her it makes me crazy.It also scares the hell out of me, because i am scared that she will one day change her mind.
    All I can think about is being with her. The first time she kissed me was it for me!

  23. I was married for 18 years.
    I began living my life as a lesbian at age 45
    My children were 16 and 13 when I came out, they are 18 and 15 now.
    I live in Reno NV
    My ex-husband has at times been somewhat supportive and other times very cruel and angry
    My ex chose to move away and share no time with his boys.
    I have a partner.
    My partner has two children.
    My partner and I do not live together. We do things sometimes with the kids. Right now we have a bi-coastal relationship. It is tough but we will be together permanently in approx. two years. It is the way it has to be for now.
    We do not have children together, nor plan to as we are both in our 40′s

  24. I was married to a man for about 8 years. He too did not treat me very well and was continually unfaithful. I never cheated on him. We made good roomates, but a lousy married couple.
    I began living a lesbian life in my early 30′s. I have 3 children…I had my 19 yr old daughter right after turning 17 and my 8 yr old son and 5 yr old daughter during my marriage. I got my divorce finalized in early ’05 so they were 14, 5 and 2.
    I live in the Southeast. And am sorry to say I have not come out to the ex…He has a history of dating Bi women, but would get all nasty with me since we have kids…um, yeah, he told me that so I still keep that private. I don’t like that I feel like I have to but realize it is a choice I have to make so while they’re small I’ll leave it alone. My ex and I share parenting and he has them almost 50% of the time. J has never had children, but she’s great. She plays an active role in all our activities and they love her dearly…My ex even had a crush on her. LOL

  25. Hi my name is Colleen. I was married and straight for 17 years. In my 40 years as a straight woman, I had two boyfriends – the second one I married right out of college. I didn’t really like dating because I always had a “best friend” and group of awesome women and some guys that I would prefer to hang out with. Looking back now, I laugh because my “best friend” was really like a partner to me (except for the sex part). We did everything together and were each others emotional support. I never really considered I could be a lesbian. I just thought that most guys were too immature and “pig-like” for me. I had this vision of the perfect family with the perfect Christmas card in front of our huge house with matching outfits and I was hell bent on making that happen. No one in my republican upper middle class world even knew what a lesbian was. They didn’t fit in our world. I never really even thought about lesbians. In fact, I even had some lesbian friends that were so clearly gay and in relationships and I didn’t “get it”. I was so clueless, really. I mean two women living together that decided to adopt kids together and I thought “oh how nice, they decided because they couldn’t find a man, these best friends and “room mates” decided to raise a baby together”. I mean really, how naive could I have been. Now I see the world through my lezbo vision and think everyone is a dyke or at least wishes they were. When my straight friends come to me for advice about their miserable marriage, I have to refrain from sayin, “just become a lesbian and all will be fixed” :)

    Back to my life. I got that Christmas card picture and well . . . after 17 years of marriage and 3 wonderful kids, I realized that I wasn’t happy. My emotional needs were still being met by my friends and that the love and connection for my superficially ok husband was long gone. At the same time, I had a new “friend”. I actually said to someone, “wow I have my first ever lesbian friend”. In the mean time, my lezbo vision was coming into focus. I saw lesbians around me and saw how happy and “real” they all seemed. It was a world and culture that I had no idea existed. Finally I fell in love with my friend, had a brief affair. After crossing all my t’s and dotting my i’s , I left my husband. He was devastated and angry. We get along great in front of the kids, but behind the scenes it can get ugly.

    My new partner is amazing. I never knew that being in love and having a person that is a real partner could feel this way. I don’t always feel worthy. She has taught me so much about equality and support and communication and for the first time in my life, I am in touch with my emotions. I realized that the Christmas card life was as thin as the paper that it was printed on. My partner and I have been together for almost 4 years now and “married – not legal” for a few months. The kids love her and have said ” hey mom, I am so glad that you aren’t going to marry a man – we don’t need another dad, but 2 moms are great”. Life is good, I am so fortunate that I found this life, this world, this woman . . . I am home.

  26. How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man? I am still married, and have not come out. Finding this blog is changing my way of thinking. I have been married for 4 years. He is amazing & the only one in my life who knows I’m conflicted, but I don’t like talking to him about it because I know I’m hurting him & I don’t want him to think he’s to blame. Although, he set up the only encounters I’ve had with women, so I guess I may not be here now if it hadn’t been for that.

    At what age you began living a lesbian life. I kissed another woman for the first time Halloween 2007 & slept with a woman New Years 2008 & in March 2008, as well.

    How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now? No divorce, 2 sweet boys

    What area of the country/world that you live in? (You don’t have to be specific.) Northwest

    The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life. He’s really trying to be supportive, and I try really hard not to make it difficult for him.

    The amount of parenting time you share with your ex-husband. All of it, I suppose, if you count our work schedule as shared parenting. It’s more like I have the kids during the day, we trade vehicles at 5, he has them at night. I don’t see him much due to our schedule. Weekends together are good, though.

    If you currently have a partner.
    If your partner has children.
    The role your partner plays in your children’s lives. Don’t have a partner, just a mad crush. And I don’t know how to deal with it.

    Do you and your partner have children together?

  27. I am an LDS (Mormon) 35-year-old male in Salt Lake City, Utah. I thought I’d give you all that information just to show you that it’s kind of ironic that I enjoy your website. I don’t remember how I came upon your website…but after I started reading it…I’ve come back at least once a week just to see what you are up to. It’s just fun to read for whatever reason. Believe it or not but I am a pretty liberal Mormon and I find myself agree with about 80% of what you write on your website. You are a really good writer…so keep up the good work. I obviously don’t have a lot in common with you but you seem like a good person to me, a good mom and a good friend. That’s pretty cool stuff.

    I’ve enjoyed reading your comments on President Obama. I also like reading about your relationship with your parents and kids. I think that’s cool that you write about your family. I’ve also liked your comments about the war in Iraq. Because all along I’ve been saying that our central focus should be in Afghanistan..not Iraq. I live in very conservative Utah…where all I hear is how great George W. Bush was and how bad Obama is. And I still hear how bad President Clinton was. It’s nice to read some positive comments about some of the things I believe in.

    The updates on roller derby are fun to read too.

    I like reading about your experience with college. Like I said, I am 35…and I started back again at the University of Utah this semester…trying to finish getting my degree in Elementary Education. I get frustrated a lot but I like to read how well you are doing. That’s cool that you are such a good student. Keep bragging up the good grades! You deserve to.

    Anyway, I don’t know…I’ve been reading your blog (whatever this is called) for what seems to be a year. I’ve lost track. I just felt like I’d post something for the fun of it.

    Have a good day

    -Mat

  28. Love your blog! Just started one myself. We’ll see how it goes.

    My name is Tonya. I turned 40 last May. I suppose my 41st is coming quickly. I discovered that I was a lesbian when I was about 37. I was married to a great guy and we had two beautiful daughters. They are young and are having to go through these changes with me. Sometimes being young and going through this is easier. Sometimes I look at them and cry for putting them through it. However, I am in a committed relationship now with the most awesome woman. She is amazing with my girls and think of them as her own.

    How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man?
    I was married in 1998 and in 2005 met a woman that brought out feelings in me I didn’t understand. I was divorced in 2007.

    At what age you began living a lesbian life.
    I started coming out to friends and family mid 2006. I was 38. However, that first relationship was not a good one. I believe she was my ‘transition’ girlfriend. I learned a lot. And I am extremely appreciative of what I have now.

    How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now?
    I have two daughters who were ages 6 and just turned 4 at the time of my divorce. They are 8 and 5 1/2 now.

    What area of the country/world that you live in? (You don’t have to be specific.)
    I live in Georgia.

    The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life.
    He is tolerant. Never saw my first girlfriend, although he knew who she was prior to my relationship with her. He just met my current partner a few weeks ago. He is trying to do better although at one time told me he completely disagreed with my lifestyle. He has come around a lot. I think mainly because he has moved on and is in his own relationship but we had a good discussion a month or so ago where he admitted that I was a good mother and that he knew I was doing all I could to protect our girls and make sure they were happy and healthy.

    The amount of parenting time you share with your ex-husband.
    He lives in Florida and visits GA one weekend a month. He takes the girls with him and stays in the area. During the summer and over holidays he takes them back to FL for a week.

    If you currently have a partner.
    My partner is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She balances me out. She loves my girls. They love her. She is a better parent than I am often times. We are still in the honeymoon phase yet fully recognize that. We were friends for almost a year and then noticed the attraction about six months ago. The rest is history.

    If your partner has children.
    She does not have children of her own but has ‘inherited’ two girls that are very connected to her.

    The role your partner plays in your children’s lives.
    Just the other day my oldest daughter decided that my partner was her ‘other mother’. She even told her classmates at school that she had two mommies. Of course, her fellow second graders didn’t get it. I’m waiting for that fallout but I’m prepared. My partner is extremely patient with the girls…so much more than I am. She is fully involved with every aspect of their life – school activities, extracurricular activities, homework, church, etc. She is able to discipline them effectively because they listen and respect her. No doubt she is a full time parent.

    Do you and your partner have children together?
    I want that more than anything but don’t think it’s in the cards for us. We don’t think it’s fair to my daughters.

    I am crazy happy with my partner and how my life is right now. I am a worrier by nature so I do have things that weigh heavy on me…the effects of this relationship on my children, how their friends (and others that don’t know them) treat them, how the world will treat them, preparing for the future, financially and otherwise. But I do know this…I will make it. Our relationship will make it. My girls know what it’s like to be loved. My girls see how happy their mother is. For the first time in my life, I love fully and I laugh all the time. Doesn’t get any better than that.

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  31. I am happy to have found your site.

    I have been struggling to come out of the closet for years now. I am 40, and a full time stay at home mom, but at least one with a professional degree.

    I met the love of my life in one incredible horrible crazy whirlwind weekend about 6 years ago now. I’ve tried to tell my story to the online community before and am almost always slammed and berated for it.

    Let me go back to answering your questions.

    My husband and I have been married for 11 years, and together for 19 years. We met in college. We have two daughters, aged 8 and 4. I came out to my husband as a lesbian 3 days ago.

    He has been incredibly supportive so far. I couldn’t have asked for a better reaction.

    We are very concerned about parenting issues and how our split will affect the children. We hope to share parenting responsibilities quite a bit. We are even talking about buying a 2 family home together so that we can go on with our separate lives, but our children have both of their parents close.

    I am in love with a woman. Sadly she lives far away. We met online in a video game. Perhaps it’s best I don’t go into more details, these are the ones that usually get me flamed. I will say that after we met so long ago my life was forever changed, I was just very very slow to realize it. I struggled with identifying as bi, with trying to make my marriage work and forget all about her and do my duty as a wife and mother. I did try to come out to my family and would have thought they would be supportive, but I got a lot of flack about my affair. Nobody believed that she had awoken something in me that had been lying dormant or been there all along.

    I believed it even though I fought hard against it. I caused much pain to both of us and am delighted that she even started speaking to me again a year ago, though at first it was merely cordial. The years apart from her, I was a wreck, and tense, angry, upset, suicidal even. Since rekindling with her, and most especially coming out to my husband and identifying as a lesbian (why do I still have issues with that word?) I have been relaxed, happy, relieved and scared but excited about moving forward.

    My girlfriend does not have children, but she was married once to a man. It is too soon to predict what role she will play in my children’s lives.

  32. I found you through Cami. I have been lame at posting so if you check my blog there isn’t alot. Glad to find you. I too am RSG.

    How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man? 8 years
    At what age you began living a lesbian life. 30
    How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now? 0 at divorce, 1 now
    What area of the country/world that you live in? (You don’t have to be specific.) California
    The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life. We don’t talk. I don’t know. It makes me sad b/c he is a wonderful person and was my best friend for 10 years. I felt terrible to have broken his heart.
    The amount of parenting time you share with your ex-husband. zero
    If you currently have a partner. YES! I left him for her. She was my professor and I used to dress up for class and dream about her. I knew something was up with me then. Nothing happened until after the quarter ended – but not for my lack of trying!
    If your partner has children. Just our son.
    The role your partner plays in your children’s lives. She’s Mom and I’m Mamma.
    Do you and your partner have children together? That would the one I’m referring too. We adopted him together 2 years ago. He’s the next best thing to finally figuring out who I am.

    Oh it was painful, wasn’t it? I went through this period where people didn’t believe me. I mean other lesbian didn’t believe me. And, then I went through a funny period where I felt kinda funny being girly…like that was why they didn’t believe me. Now, when I’m not tied to the computer for work and busy being a mom to a little toddler I still do the makeup and dress girly. I love manicures and pedicures and shopping and planning parties and all the girly stuff.

    Anyway good to find you and I’ll keep checking in.

  33. I started out on AfterEllen.com and was referred to your blog by the ladies in the community. I absolutely LOVE the honesty and humor in which you describe your life. I’d like to answer your questions as I’m going thru a transformation of my own.

    I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years (our anniversary is at the end of this month).

    I fell in love with my co-worker this past Spring. She’s 9 years my junior (I will be 40 in February)

    I have two children – a son who is 10 and a daughter who will be 3 in December.

    I live in Chicago.

    My husband believes that I am in the middle of a midlife crisis and that with enough therapy and peer pressure from friends and family, I will return to him as the wife he knew.

    Currently, since we still live together, our amount of parenting is about the same – me bearing the brunt of the parenting responsibilities, in addition to the full time job, the completion of my education (got my MBA) and the other multiple hats that most wives/mothers have to wear.

    My partner K is wonderful. She and my children and great friends. We have not come out to them as it’s not appropriate yet. They just know her as a good friend of mine who loves to take them to the park or have pizza with them. She has no children, but would love to become a parent later in life.

    I know that at some point (relatively soon), my marriage will end. It will end because of a number of reasons. But it will end. And I will be forced to start over in some aspects in my life, create a new identity for myself, and undergo a number of changes or adjustments within my relationships as I come out to more and more within my circle of influence.

  34. Hi! I could have written a couple of these myself. I am 33 years old and I am beginning my recovery as a straight girl. I have always identified as bi in my relationships, but never to my very Fundamental Christian family. Needless to say this is all very intimidating…

    1. How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man? Currently married for 6 and half years. I am getting my duckies in a row for a divorce before my next anniversary.
    2. At what age you began living a lesbian life. – this is a funny one – I was with my first love and GF for 3 and half years in college. We broke up because of some serious life traumas. I got another GF for two years of so, and that ended badly. I was exhausted and started dating men. Never considered myself a Lesbian until about 3 years into my marriage. Saw my first love after 10 years of not seeing or speaking to her, and feel in love all over again. CRAZY IN LOVE. But more mature and certain than before.
    3. How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now? My boys are 3 and almost 5
    4. What area of the country/world that you live in? (You don’t have to be specific.) Bible Belt
    5. The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life. – He thinks I am am young and stupid and searching for independence. What I am really doing is trying to fair to him. I love him, but I cannot continue to be his wife.
    6. The amount of parenting time you share with your ex-husband. Currently sharing the load… after the divorce I have no idea!
    7. If you currently have a partner – Not until after the divorce
    8. If your partner has children. – She has no kids, but is thrilled to share my boys.
    9. The role your partner plays in your children’s lives. – She will be there other Mom.
    10. Do you and your partner have children together? -Hopefully, we can have a girl later on after we get situated and settled.

  35. Ok, so I’m not sure where to post this but…I went to my 1st roller derby last Saturday and these ladies ROCK! I was furiously looking for your wife, but she wasn’t there (Windy City Rollers vs Wheels of Justice). Just learned something new – multiple teams. It was awesome! My GF and I, along with our straight friend from work have vowed to start going regularly when the new season starts.

    And I am thoroughly addicted to your blog as well…thanks for putting it all out there.

  36. Hi!

    I am still fairly new to the blogging world, just discovered your blog from a link on another site I was following. My partner and I started our own blog to talk about the issues lesbian couples face.. there is tons of issues for hetro couples… not nearly enough on those of who are rsg’s.

    So I am the rsg. Dove has been out since college and has never had a relationship with the opposite sex. I didn’t figure it out until recently… and it’s definitly a change. =)

    1.How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man? I was engaged for 2 years and married for 13 years before I left my husband.

    2.At what age you began living a lesbian life. I came to accept that was bi at 32, while still married to my ex. I moved in with Dove just after my 34th birthday.

    3.How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now? Neither Dove or I have children. My ex and I tried for several years but there were fertility issues.

    4.What area of the country/world that you live in? I am a native Oregonian and Dove is from the Mid west.

    5.The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life. I figured out I was bi about a year or so before I left, so he had time to begin to adjust. His main issue isn’t the lesbianism at this point, but that he was very co-dependant and lacking social skills. I was his main source of social interaction and he’s not sue how to handle not having me in his life now. We went to high school together, and now I try to limit our interaction to necessary conversations only.

    7.If you currently have a partner. My partner and I have been together for a year and a half now. I left my husband for her.

    10.Do you and your partner have children together? We don’t have children now, but we talk about it often. We just bought a house together, so that’s sort of our ‘child’ project right now.

    The hardest part of my transition as a rsg has been my mother’s reactions. I spent a year tip toeing around her and the issue (she has yet to meet Dove) but recently told her that she needed to start being more accepting and make fewer (if any) nasty comments to me or I didn’t want to have a relationship with her. We haven’t spoken since.

  37. Hey Rachel, I live in Chicago too! I’d love to have local friends who can relate to my situation. My post is a few above yours. Wandazula @ hotmail dot com. if you care to contact me.

  38. 1. How long you were married or in a committed relationship with a man?

    We were married for 10 years and change, but it started to dissolve a while before that.

    2. At what age you began living a lesbian life.

    Not until after I left him. I was 34 when the whole separation and divorce process started. I didn’t leave him because of this, even though throughout the marriage, I knew that I was gay. I was “bi” for years prior to meeting him, but social pressures and religious pressures meant that I wanted that perfect romance with a man, to fit in to the society, and I didn’t want to explore the fact that I didn’t really enjoy sex with almost any man I was with. I never fell in love with them, even though I found them attractive. Like others have said, i thought this meant that my capacity to love was severely stunted; I couldn’t own up to the fact that I was trying to direct that capacity to the wrong people. I didn’t want to admit that the dizzy, wonderful feelings I had about gay women I knew – that I never have had with a man – or the fact that I was checking out women in public (more often than men) and finding excuses to go to Home Depot to scope the employees meant I was really more gay than bi or straight. When you’re lurking at Home Depot, it’s usually a pretty good indicator you’re as queer as a three dollar bill.

    I used to say to myself in my mind, “You are such a dyke,” but I never let it develop past that thought. I just held on to that little gem, “I am gay” and carried it with me. I would read your blog and others, and “accidentally” stumbled on “In the Life” and other things on TV, but I was afraid to pursue what needed to be pursued for my own joy. I actually had bought into the idea that pursuing my own happiness would be selfish because “I had a husband to think about” and that people “following selfish desires” would harm society!

    I didn’t mess around on him, but I would fantasize extensively about finding the perfect girl and my marriage magically dissolving. I would often think about women when we were having sex.

    3. How many children (if any,) and their ages at the time of your divorce and now?

    They are young.

    4. What area of the country/world that you live in? (You don’t have to be specific.)

    East coast.

    5. The general attitude of your ex-husband regarding your lesbian life.

    He has already been horrible and contemptible about my daring to finally leave him (it wasn’t a happy marriage at all). He has no clue about my sexuality, and for the time being it will stay that way. He very much believes in religious patriarchy, and that women should be subservient to men, and our marriage was all about rebellion and anger and mistreatment and control. I kind of feel as though it is none of his business. I am not married to him anymore. At the same time, some immature part of me wishes that he could know and see that no, he as a man didn’t fulfill me emotionally or spiritually.

    6. The amount of parenting time you share with your ex-husband.

    He only makes the effort to see them a few hours a week, sometimes less. This is all part of how he is punishing me for being an uppity modern woman.

    7. If you currently have a partner.

    I don’t have a girlfriend, only flirtations. Wonderful, dizzy flirtations. For me, this is about being finally honest with myself about being so, so gay.

  39. ^ above point #5, I meant to write that he didn’t fulfill me emotionally or sexually. Or spiritually either, now that I think of it.

  40. I’m Jen, I live in Britain and I was with my ex-boyfriend for over 4 years. I’m still pretty young, just hit 20, but those 4 years spanned a long time in terms of progression through school, and adolescence, and I am finding it hard because I feel like I wasted my time with him and grew into someone I don’t really want to be.
    My ex and I never had sex because I never wanted to, and we kind of assumed I was a weird prude, and that was as much as we thought about it. In the end the lack of sex got to him very badly, and that he wanted sex got to me very badly. That was why we split up – I resented him for finding me attractive, and he resented me for, well, not finding him attractive. Understandably.
    I didn’t even think I might be gay at that point. I’m still recovering! We split up about 8 months ago. I came to university and had a couple ‘dalliances’ with men, but still no sex. It was when I was lying in bed one night, after ejecting a guy from my room, that I wondered why I was so afraid. Then one thing lead to another.
    I have a girlfriend now and we have been together for 2 months, so not very long yet. I haven’t told my ex because I’m afraid he won’t take it very well. He seems generally a bit homophobic, and I’m sure he won’t understand why I didn’t tell him before, etc. We don’t really talk any more so I won’t have to have a big coming-out drama for him, but I guess one day he will find out. I am also worried that he will tell my parents.

  41. Hi, my wife found your site, when she read Just Out, and I had to check it out. I’m a RSG and I wanted to put our story out, as it’s pretty impressive and amazing to find what makes you happy and fulfilled, no matter what age you are.

    I always dated men, and never been with a woman before. I was married before to a man, but became unhappy and did not know why; sex wasn’t fulfilling, emotionally or mentally I could not find what I wanted ( I do not think I knew what it was until I met K).His standard answer to my dissatisfaction and lack of climax was, “you’re fine.” To this day I do not know what exactly that meant. I wanted more, but his needs were met, so we were apparently done…however I was definitely not “fine.”

    I did not came out to him, as I did not know I was a lesbian, until I met K. I am not sure how he feels about me having a wife, but I know for sure he feels treathened by our relationship, even though I did not leave him for her, our divorce was done before I met K.

    I met K when I was 28, 2 1/2 years ago, online on a music radio site and we became friends. She actually designed my first tattoo. (We now have several of them done together, pretty amazing pieces of art expressing our love for each other and our backgrounds.) We started with chatting, then emailing, then talking on the phone. First about music and poetry, and life and experiences. First there was flirtatation and then serious feelings. We both wanted more, so we met.

    I flew down to California and met her, at a Starbucks. From the moment she put her chin on top of my head I was hers, hard to explain but that was the most precious moment in our lives (mine was also when my son was born). So we started a long distance relationship that lasted 5 more months, culminating in her quitting her job and moving here. Yes, I know in the middle of a recession but we could not live far away from each other, visiting every 2 weeks. Going to bed alone, and waking up alone, and not being near each other, not holding hands, or kiss good night was torture. All the little things that we love to do, and take for granted now, but back then, they were pure pain.
    So, here we are, 2 years later, married, we both are going to school, and enjoying our life together, and exploring what the Northwest has to offer.

    I have a son from the previous marriage, we hold 50/50 custody, and my son adores my wife. He refers to her by her name, but he tells people that she is his mom too. He knows he has “two moms,” and so do his friends and classmates. He loves being with us, as we are very much involved in his education, hobbies, well being and everything about him.

    This is my first lesbian relationship, and I am completly in love with my wife. She makes me happy, exhausts me emotionally, fills my heart with love, and this feels right, it’s where I want to be. She takes very good care of me, makes sure I have what I need, does things around the house, does homework with my son, takes care of our 2 dogs and cute kitten. She is so very thoughtful when it’s my Birthday or our Anniversary comes around, and sweet and kind in everyday ways. She is the smartest and most beautiful person I know.

    I told my close family about my relationship. I was surprised to find out who was my true family and who was not. Also with my friends…my true friends love K, as much as me. My shallow friends are not around anymore, as they could not bear to see me “play house” with my wife. That statement that made me so mad, but its better this way. My mom no longer worries about me meeting a good man and being safe. She is adjusting but happy for us, as she put my happiness first. As for the people that I thought were my family, its their loss as K is so much fun, so witty and charming, so caring and sweet. She is good to and good for me and my son.

    Since beginning of our relationship, I am more aware of and interested in Gay Rights, and Human Rights. I was so ignorant that I am embarrased now that I think back, reading how people were and still are treated because of their sexual orientation, such a terrible thing, but I am learning a lot. So I tend to search stories, poetry, or anything that interests me about lesbian or gay topics. Its just a part that I want to learn and it hurts me that people still can not marry who they want . So we have many things to fight for, and it’s a struggle when you try to change your name to your legal partner’s last name and people from social security office look at you and can’t do anything to help you as the law does not permit. That is just one of the inconvenient inequalities that we face that makes me so angry (When I married a man, it was a piece of cake, cheap and easy, to change my name to his. Look how well that marriage worked out!) One day, we will have the same last name and a proper wedding, a legal one, until then she will always be my wife, in my heart where she and my son belong.

  42. 1. I have been in a committed relationship with a man for nearly 11 years. We are not officially married, but live together, own our home together, pay bills together, etc

    2. I fell in love with the most wonderful woman I have ever known 3 months ago.

    3. No Children

    4. Southwest US

    5. I have not told him

    6, No Children

    7. No, I do not. I lost the love of my life yesterday, because I did not have the courage to leave my current life.

    8, 9, and 10. No Children

    I am so glad to have come across your blog. I woke up this morning with a broken heart and in a state of total confusion. I too thought that I was the only person who had ever gone through this.

    Maybe, if I spend some time reading your blog, I will find both the inspiration and the courage to do the right thing and perhaps heal this broken heart.

    Thank you

  43. Hi, Kathryn. I stumbled across your blog and boy, I sure do wish I could have read it 18 years ago, when I left my marriage of 22 years for another woman. I had four children at the time and thought I was the only person in the world to have experienced what I did.

    It was more than difficult — it was devastating. But like some who commented, I couldn’t stand to live a lie. Looking back, although I would have done many things differently, I have never regretted my decision.

    I still carry around a lot of guilt, though. So in the hope of self-healing, I’ve also begun to blog about that time, and how it affected my family, then and now. It’ll be beta-launched in a week or two (www.comingoutatmidlife.com). Although I’d rather never, ever relive that time again, I’m hoping also that if my kids read the blog, they will gain some insight to help them in the healing process too.

    I hope you publish the results of your research. Really, even after all these years, it’s comforting to know that I am not alone. Thanks.

    Karen

  44. Hi there! This is my first comment here so
    I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell you I truly
    enjoy reading through your posts. Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that go over
    the same topics? Thanks for your time!

  45. Hi my name is Fern,
    I have been married for almost 25 years. Have always been into men, I would have to say I may have been a homophobic so my kids tell me. I have a 21 year old 20 year old and a 14 year old. I am happily married, and sex is great.
    I am a 52 year old fit woman. I am a swimmer and runner.
    About 4 months ago a strange thing happened to me. I fell in love and lust for a woman who tutors one of my children. I think she felt for me first.(she is also married with grown up children)
    We are now in a situation where we can’t talk to each other because of the way we feel, it is awkward . I have never in my whole life felt such deep emotion and need for a person as I do for her. I am so love sick that my brain is thinking of her all the time, I have chest pain from not being able to be with her.
    It sounds crazy I know, as I have always loved men. I don’t want to tell her anything, even though I know she knows and feels the same.
    I just hope that she will be the one who approaches me first.
    I also hope that I can get over this as the desire is killing me. I try not to fantasise anymore it just makes things worse. I am so intrigued by how strong feelings can be between two women.

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