Standing

Last night, Cher and I, along with some friends went to see the production Standing on Ceremony at the Artist Repertory Theater in Portland. It was especially wonderful because our beautiful and talented friend Torrey was performing. During intermission, two ladies approached me and asked if I was Kathryn Martini. I replied, “Yes, I am,” of course because, yes I am in fact she. Usually when someone comes up to me and asks if I’m Kathryn Martini, a little PTSD kicks in and I think it’s a process server. I was pretty sure though, that the two lovely ladies in front of me were not process servers. They definitely weren’t. One of them is an English teacher, and English teachers would never be process servers.

I said, “Yes, I am,” and they introduced themselves and said that they read my new column, “Latebian Life,” which came out yesterday in the April/May issue of PQ Monthly. One of the ladies then went on to tell me that she once emailed me. I apologized for not remembering, but she thanked me for writing this blog. She said that when she was coming out three years ago, it was very important to her and she wanted me to know. Her partner also thanked me, because if she hadn’t made it through that process, they wouldn’t be together today. I really hope they both friend me on Facebook because they were super nice!

This morning I woke to a message that said,

I just want to tell you how amazing you are, and how much you have helped me and so many others. I hope you can remember that in the midst of whatever challenges you’re facing. 6 years ago I was floundering, wondering what was happening to me and not sure what direction to take. As is often the case, I crossed paths with the very person I needed to help me understand and to move forward. Just by sharing your journey, you made my journey so much easier.
Look how far we have come! You have a gift for writing, and for promoting understanding. Thank you for sharing it.
Even though we have never met, I consider you a great friend.

I can’t even express how much these two encounters meant to me.

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately and having a difficult time wrapping my head about some things that were presented to me this past week. One of the things that I keep dwelling on is the notion of perception and how one person’s perception of something is often vastly different than that of someone else. How something that I see as a good thing can be perversed into something heinous and no matter how many ways I try to explain or describe or circumscribe, it’s going to look ugly to someone who wants it to be ugly. I’m trying to find a way to let that go and know that I don’t have the power to change anyone else’s thoughts or actions. I can only control my own.

I want to be here for the other RSG’s and latebians that are out there. I’m glad you find your way here and if what you read here or in my columns is helpful, I’m even more grateful. I appreciate all of you who regularly email me and ask questions and share your own stories with me. Nearly eight years ago, I wouldn’t have ever imagined.

I thank you.

Gordon Gecko

“If you stop telling lies about me, I’ll stop telling the truth about you.”

Oh Gordon . . . For such a despicable character, you are so wise.

On RSG

 

There is an adage that I try to follow and I have shared with my children the same advice. Never say something in a text message or an email (or in any other form) that you wouldn’t want the person of whom it was about to be standing behind you reading it. I personally feel that this goes with verbal communication as well. It was recommended to me last week that I not blog about anything that I wouldn’t want my mother, father, boss, children, former significant others or my pastor to read. What this tells me, is that I don’t need to do anything different than I have for many years.

When this blog was anonymous, I told truthful stories that didn’t necessarily portray the subjects of the stories in a very positive light. When it was no longer anonymous, I continued to be truthful but left out certain details that were best left for later.

It is true I write about my sexual orientation and about some very painful things that have happened in my past. Not only do I write about those things here, I write a monthly column, blog for other publications and occasionally guest blog on relevant websites when invited (this has included The Portland Women’s Crisis Line and others.) I have been asked to speak at college groups, blogging groups, writing groups and support groups to tell my story and I’m not going to stop here or anywhere else. I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I’ve only lived my truth and shared it with people who are interested in hearing or relate in some way.

I’m very proud of the women (and men) I have touched or helped in some way and eternally grateful for the connections and friendships I’ve made through my writing. This is a form of self-expression. It is one of my forms of self-expression and if that makes anyone uncomfortable, there are plenty of other blogs out there to read. Feel free to stop stalking mine.

With all of that said. I have read your comments and your emails and it seems like there are a lot of people out there who would really like me to go back to writing about the latebian experience and continue that journey with them. I would love to do that. I have decided that for awhile, I will write posts based on your questions, sent either by email or on Ask RSG (which I have updated and removed old comments.) I have literally hundreds of your emails in a saved file; I always attempt to write back to you each individually but have probably missed quite a few over the years.

So that’s where we are going. In addition, from time to time I will be posting the links to other places that I’ve been asked to guest blog on this and other subjects.

Why I blog.

 

In a few months, I will have been blogging for seven years.

Seven years ago I went through a painful experience and blogging became a way for me to process that experience. I thought that what I was going through was unique, but what I found was that although it was not unique, my experience of it was my own and I needed to process it in a way that was meaningful to me. I shared my experience, because it helped me to make sense of it myself and along the way, I was granted the gift of friendship and love from people that I had never met in person. I became part of a community and that community turned into my support system that helped me while I navigated through a lot of intense changes in my life.

Some of you I have known for a long time. We have met in person, became friends in real life, bonded, shared the experiences of our lives and became important parts of each other’s lives. That is the one thing that I don’t believe many people understand. This blog has been the conduit for many of the wonderful people and wonderful experiences in my life; it has changed my life for the better in every way, opening up to me not only the possibilities for new friendships and new experiences but also connecting me in other ways to my community and granting me opportunities I may not have otherwise have been afforded.

Why do I share intimate parts of my life?

I share parts of my life and I share my stories with all of you because it helps me to made sense of things myself. I also share because for many of you, my experience and my intense life changes happened before your own. Many of you are traveling down the same path that I once traveled and although I didn’t feel I had anyone to pave the way for me, I hope that in some small way my experience has paved the way for you. At times I question whether or not I should continue writing in this blog; I feel that in many ways my transition occurred and I’m “recovered” from my heterosexual identity and just when I seriously consider doing so, I meet someone who thanks me for this blog or I receive a note like this:

… your words came to me when i needed them most. i was struggling to come out, to leave my marriage, to figure out what it meant. i truly was fearing what would be on the other side for me. you showed me (and so many others) that there was a beautiful, fulfilling, authentic life waiting for me….and you were right! i have never been happier than i am at this moment… 4 years out, a beautiful queer community, extraordinary friends, well-adjusted children and the love of my life. i am blessed beyond belief…

That was sent to me in a Facebook message after I made the acquaintance of the woman who wrote it by chance. Her name is W. and she and I have mutual friends. Friends that I had only recently met while on our Olivia vacation in the Dominican. My friend said that W. was a reader of my blog and that the blog helped her when she was going through her own latebian experience. This made me a bit apprehensive and embarrassed. I didn’t want W. to be disappointed when she met me; I didn’t want her to realize I really wasn’t all that special, I’m just a regular woman who had an intense emotional experience and shared it. I met W. and she was warm and sweet and sincere and later she sent me that note. Her note is what reminded me why I need to continue to share my story and let other women know that they are not alone and that they will get on the other side of what they are going through.

I don’t blog because:

I feel the need to air my “dirty laundry”. I don’t feel that I have any “dirty laundry”, I simply have the experiences in my life that affect me and my family every day. Some of those experiences are fun and exciting, some are painful and sad. That is because life is sometimes fun and it’s sometimes sad. Sometimes people are mean to us, sometimes they are remarkable and all of it is just part of our experience.

I don’t blog because I feel the need to have revenge on certain people who have harmed me, although I do feel the need to sometimes clarify the truth. I fully admit that I get tired of always trying to rise above the lies and the negativity that is directed at me by certain individuals and it’s difficult to always just take it. I have taken jabs before–this is true. I’m not ready to apologize for that. Yet. Maybe when I’ve had some more time to heal.

I don’t blog to filter information to my children to someday read. When I started blogging, my children were 6, 8 and 10. They didn’t even have access to a computer or any inclination to ever read anything I was writing. They still don’t. They don’t care. If they ever do feel the need to read what I’ve written here, I’m not ashamed of it. I’m not ashamed of the truth. Those who are ashamed of the truth should really take a look at that. We all make mistakes and make choices we may not make again but being ashamed is useless and only leads to lies and more shame. You can’t do something you regret and then lie about it to cover it up and make it seem like it never happened. If you lie long and strong enough, the lie becomes your reality but that reality isn’t the truth–it’s your lie wrapped up in a package to look like the truth and doesn’t serve to teach anyone–not yourself and not anyone around you. It just makes the people around you distrust you even more. I have definitely done things in my life that I’m not proud of but I haven’t lied.

I write the truth. I live my truth.

I’ve written about painful experiences that I’ve had in the past and painful experiences that I have now and I do that because it’s important to share painful experiences so that other people who have them don’t feel so alone. I write about those experiences here in this blog, I write about them in my monthly column, I write for other publications. I’m a writer and I write about my own life. If I were a songwriter, I would write songs. If I were a poet, I would write poetry. If I were a painter, I may express myself through art. I’m a non-fiction writer and essayist who expresses myself through that medium.

I don’t intend to stop. I won’t be silenced just because the truth is sometimes uncomfortable.

So thank you for reading. Thank you for being such an important part of my life and sharing your life with me–that connectivity is what makes the world a better place–and a better world is good for everyone.

New Digs

Ah yes. After five years of self-hosting my blog (and paying a monthly fee) I decided that it really wasn’t necessary anymore and that I had a Mazzaratti when what I needed was a Honda.

I’ll play around with it later, but for now, here it is in it’s incomplete state.

I miss you!

Dear Blog,

I miss you. I know that you think that I’ve neglected you terribly and I know that I have. I wish that I could try to help you to understand that it’s not you, it’s all me.

I don’t do enough for myself and you are a part of that. Sometimes I write a bit on the bus or read the “Twilight” books because my brain is so filled with other things it is hard for me to concentrate on anything that requires a lot of thinking.

You and I have been together a long time and I always tell people that you saved my life and it’s true. I promise I’ll try harder to pay better attention to you.

Kisses and Hugs,

RSG

Seriously

Do you all see how codependent I am? I can’t even manage to leave my wife’s side to blog.

I hate that I’ve been neglecting my blog but I’ve had really good reasons. Cher and I had a “No Plans Weekend” last weekend, which we didn’t make any plans for. We needed this time after spending two weekends away from each other and with all the co-dependency and all. On our “No Plans Weekend” we didn’t have a plan but somehow ended up at a piercing studio where we both had our eyebrows pierced and she had four piercings in her ear. This was followed by a visit to the tattoo place where I had my first tattoo. If you’ve ever read “The Recovering Straight Girl’s 12 Steps to Becoming a Lesbian” you will see that Step 6 suggests getting a tattoo or a piercing to help complete the process. I had both in one day so I think I’m well on my way.

This was just two exciting things that I have done this summer that I’ve never done before and I’m excited to add more. I seriously love being 40, (aside from having to get my boobs squished every year now) and I hope the next few months of this year will bring more adventure and fun.

This week I took the girls and two of their friends camping by myself. It was not as much of a nightmare as I thought but it was still a little bit nightmareish. I don’t understand these girls. We drove nearly three hours to a beautiful spot on a lake to camp; the weather was beautiful and warm, the sun was shining and the girls wanted to stay inside the camper the entire time and play cards. Seriously? I was so annoyed. So Ginger and I took my loungy chair down to the water and sat and looked at the lake, I wrote a little and contemplated why the hell I have so many children? I still haven’t come up with an answer.

Today I dropped a small fortune putting the down payment on my middle daughter’s braces. My middle daughter who is now a junior rollergirl! Yes, we are now a two rollergirl family. Two people in the family skating and me doing a big chunk of social media for the league means that we spend a tremendous amount of time thinking and living Roller Derby. It is all a big time commitment but I can’t think of a better way to spend our leisure time. What leisure time, you ask? Exactly.

And now I am finishing up writing two pieces for Just Out, the paper I write for, and making dinner for my family. See? Busy. I promise not to let so much time go by. I appreciate the emails and Facebook messages I have received from several readers wondering what the hell happened to me–I totally appreciate the love. As soon as my eyebrow is healed, I’ll post a picture. My tattoo however, is in a place that is NSFW so I won’t be posting that! Let’s just say that the only thing I can think of that I would want permamently placed on my body would be Cher’s kiss and that’s what it is on a very delicate place, (and no it didn’t hurt, everyone keeps asking and it didn’t!)

Until then, think about having a “No Plans Weekend” of your own. You never know what you might do!

BlogHer09 Wrap Up

I’m home from Chicago and my second BlogHer conference, and although I enjoyed it, I’m not signing up for next year’s conference just yet and probably won’t. Not because I have a big complaint or was treated poorly or got into a fight with anyone–I’m just a bit over it. It’s big. There are so many people (estrogen) and there is so much energy. It’s exhausting. I came home exhausted. I’m still not completely recovered from all of the socialization and stimulation and energy (and estrogen, did I mention that?) I’m not the type of person who has good boundaries all of the time and sometimes I get caught up in what and all that I’m doing I don’t realize that I’m quickly heading toward a fast moving downward spiral into a very bad place. I get over-tired, over-stimulated, over-socialized, over-partied, and over-done and then get anxious, anxious, anxious. When I get anxious I start to get insecure and think that everyone hates me and Cher is going to leave me and I’m fat.

Luckily I have good friends like my BlogHer09 roomie, Melissa Lion and Twitter friends who gave me good support. Saturday night was a four xanax night and it took until yesterday to feel better and not until today to feel completely better, just in time for my wife to leave to go to RollerCon in Las Vegas! I’m also grateful to my amazing wife, Facebook friends and derby friends. Thank you for helping me pull myself out of it, I’m much better now.

Besides my personal issues with being over-stimulated and doing too much and the fact that I can’t seem to learn that Kathryn+Not Eating+Vodka=NotAGoodSituationForAnyone I have other thoughts about BlogHer09 that I will attempt to review (kindly.) I will do it using the sandwich method of feedback.

1. (Positive) I was absolutely thrilled to speak at the Blogqueers panel with Stacy Jill Jacobs and Liza Barry-Kessler. We had a wonderful group of women attend including Deb on the Rocks, Lesbian Dad, and Zoe from Gaymo, just to name a few! We were small enough to be able to have everyone make introductions and really participate, which was wonderful. The entire room came to tears when a wonderful woman named Jennifer introduced herself and told her story: she is the mother of a five year old transgender child who is looking for support. She has not had a very positive response from many people and is now going to be grappling with legal issues regarding changing her child’s gender on school registration forms so that she can begin kindergarten as the gender she identifies. I felt blessed that I had just received an email from someone with a child with gender issues and was able to tell her that she was not alone. I hope that she felt a sisterhood in that room and was able to get some good advice from other participants.

Our live blogger, Amy, was also in tears at the end of the session. She told us that she was a mommyblogger and out of her element being around us. She said that she was not exposed to much outside of her cookie cutter life and was grateful to hear our stories and be a part of our group. It was really wonderful how moved she was. I was always happy to see Amy’s happy face during the rest of the conference and I hope that she was able to leave this weekend knowing that lezzies don’t have three heads and that we are actually quite normal!

It was wonderful that the BlogHer founders made an effort to bring some diversity to the conference. Not only did we have our panel session, both days we had a GLBTQ table at lunch and Ilene Chaiken was one of the keynote speakers. It was nice not to feel invisible in the sea of mommybloggers at the conference–it was a good step.

Also, the Queerosphere party that was organized by Deb on the Rocks and sponsored by Queerlywed.com was amazing at an amazing space with an amazing cocktail waitress that I may or may not have made inappropriate comments about. This was also where I had my bad run in with Vodka. Vodka and I are no longer friends.

As always, I enjoy being with like-minded people and we seemed to find each other quite well. I can’t even begin to list the wonderful women that I met and talked to and lunched with but I can tell you that they were amazing. Yes, most of us who hung out were queer identified but that wasn’t the only connection. Melissa Lion and some other ladies who are straight hung out with us too–it was a great group of women!

Overall, I loved the part about socializing with other women. I enjoyed the sessions I attended (for the most part) and overall, the part I took away the most was how neat (yes I just said neat) it was to hang out with other women who are techie and love to write and blog and care about a lot of the same things that I care about: women, feminism, birth, equality, writing, twitter, the internet, technology, social media, etc. All of that was the best part. The very best part.

2. (Negative) I could sum it up with one word (mommybloggers) but that would be very unfair considering that I spoke to a few of the mommybloggers who were lovely (including the aforementioned Amy as well as my co-panelist Liza.) For the most part, however, I was a teeny tiny afraid of their en mas state of being and presence. I was unaware that the mommyblogger market was so hot and how much sponsors lurve them and want to give them stuff (like laundry detergent and Mary Kay samples and shampoo and vacuum cleaners and other stuff.) Funny enough, the only swag party Melissa Lion and I were really interested in attending was the one with the sex toys from Eden Fantasy’s. We didn’t get a bag because all of the mommybloggers rushed the place; it was like a sale at Filene’s basement, only worse. Mommybloggers love vibrators I guess. I have many vibrators and since my collection is growing thanks to reviewing Eden Fantasy products, I thought I would step aside and let them have the sex toys. After all, I remember being an oppressed, sexually repressed hetero-woman and if any of them are in that state, they need all the help they can get!

Monetizing. Last year I was very surprised at the sessions on monetizing your blog because I’ve never looked at my blog in any way except to express myself, connect with others, share information and as a tool to practice the craft of writing. I’m not alone in that camp but it seems that there are a lot of others who are very concerned/obsessed/focused on trying to somehow make money from their mommyblogs. Confusing to me.

Size. It was big. Lots of people. It would have been nice to see some more sessions where people could find like minded others (like ours, but other niches.) I’m not sure how to make something that large more personal but it was just overwhelming at times the sheer amount of people.

The food. Was terrible.

Would have liked to have had more sessions on Social Media, Techie stuff, website design, CSS, etc. Melissa Lion has some great ideas on her post and I agree with her completely! (It also looks like she’s going to plan something for Portland next year so stay tuned!)

3. (Positive) Chicago.

Chicago is a wonderful and beautiful city with very nice people. We took the train from Midway to downtown and had to read a MAP to find the hotel. Kathryn does not read maps well at all (my wife can attest to this fact) so we had a bit of confusion navigating our way. Every time we stopped to look at the map someone came over to ask us if we needed help. It happened three times and three times someone rushed over, and it wasn’t even a homeless person or anything. So nice.

Chicago has tall buildings, which for a Portlander is very cool. We don’t have any. There are very, very tall buildings. Our hotel room overlooked the river and from the other side we could see the ocean. I didn’t know there was an ocean in Chicago but I saw it! I told Melissa, “Look, it’s an ocean!” Then I thought about it and realized that despite my public school education I was smart enough to know that it must be Lake Michigan (which it was.)

On the first day we took the train to a neighborhood that reminded us both of Portland and our new friends took us around to see some different neighborhoods while we were there. We also had brunch with some ladies Cher and I met on our last Olivia trip, which was super fun. They told me that they are expecting a baby in January and I gave them a teddy bear from my swag bag (mommybloggers like teddy bears.)

So Chicago and her people? Big Positive.

That’s it. Or all I can sift through right now. Melissa and I will be on Strange Love Live this week to discuss BlogHer, so please subscribe through iTunes and listen! Until then, stay cool peeps. It’s freaking hot in Portland right now (107) and everyone is cranky, cranky, cranky!

Bloggy/Facebook/Twitter Friends are NICE!

I’m in love with social media. I may becoming a social media whore and I even have the Moo cards to prove it. The other day I read a blog post about Twitter on a newspaper blog. A commenter on the post had this to say:

“No wonder people these days are stupid, fat, and untalented.
How about reading and conversation (actually speaking to someone)…?
Modern electronics are indeed wonderful.
But I fear these things are creating a population that is mindless and lacks common courtesy and social skills. I see dozens of stupid people obsessed with these gadgets everyday. And they are mindless idiots…!”

Well first of all, that’s just plain rude. Second of all, it’s untrue. Third of all, if this commenter had an common courtesy or social skills himself, he wouldn’t have left such a nasty comment.

Social networking through Social Media connects people and creates relationships. It makes it easier to stay connected with old friends, new friends, business acquaintences and even strangers. It’s networking, and when networking occurs more people are able to benefit from the information of one person who is sharing that information over several networked mediums.

I am constantly amazed at the power of Social Media and what it can do for individuals, businesses, and organizations. The information and assistance that is shared is powerful and real. Problems are solved, favors granted, questions are answered and things get done. As a community, I believe we support each other and are truly engaged in a way much different than if we were work acquaintances or even neighbors. I don’t know when any of my neighbors birthdays are, what many of them do for a living, or what they do in their day-to-day life. I didn’t know these things before Twitter and Facebook, and I don’t know them now because that is the nature of our society. We have drifted apart from each other for so many years (since the 1950′s and the creation of nuclear family structures.) If anything Social Media is helping to create more intimate connections and relationships between people and less anonymity, which as everyone knows helps our society to be more civil and accepting to each other.

On my birthday, I had no less than a hundred birthday wishes from my family, IRL friends, Bloggy friends, and Twitter friends on both Facebook and Twitter. Some of these people, I have never met in person but I truly felt that each of their well-wishes were sincere and I treasured each one. Before Social Media? I would have gotten two or three phone calls and maybe a card. Verbal recognition is important to human beings and this kind of acknowledgment is good–not destructive to individuals or society at large.

I treasure the relationships and connections with the people I have met via the internet–some of them are my most favorite people in the entire world, and I certainly carry on many, many more conversations with them on a daily basis than I ever would have had pre-SM.

I guess with all cutting-edge technology people get their mind blown a little and can’t handle it. I’m sure some people thought the telephone was one of Satan’s tools as well. And where would we be with out that? We would be not connected, not talking, not social and probably stupid, fat, untalented, mindless idiots.

I'm Melissa Lion's Bitch

But I don’t mind so much because she’s nice to me and lets my wife kiss her when we’re out lezzie dancing, which my wife appreciates.

Melissa is brilliant on so many levels, she’s an award winning novelist, a book critic, and a college professor. On Saturday she is holding a class for Bloggers!

That sounds fun, don’t you think? If you live in the Portland Metro area, please come and tell Melissa that I sent you. Register at www.longlunchpdx.com.

If you can’t wait until Saturday to see Melissa, then you should definitely go to Backfence PDX tomorrow at The Mission Theatre (they have beer.) She has an amazing line-up planned and it should be super fun. ***

Just go, it will be fun!

Speaking of fun, I have one more class for this term. I finished my screenwriting class and finished my Shakespeare class (I wrote my final paper on the Apocalypse and how it related to Shakespeare’s tragedies–I was feeling deep at the time.)

Tomorrow is my speech on Marriage Equality and how it benefits children. Thank you to everyone who sent me pictures, I’m so excited to have so many! (You can still send some if you would like, I would love more!)

And no, I’m not discriminating against straight people and their children, maybe next time I’ll write a speech about how the families with opposite-sex parents are denied equal rights? Except that I’m not taking any more speech classes so I guess that won’t work out.

Tomorrow is also Call in Gay Day. I can’t call in gay because I would fail my class but I will do it in spirit and try not to patronize any businesses unless I know they support the Gays. I will also try to do something to serve the Gay Agenda–you know undermine the sanctity of marriage or something. Either way, I’ll do my part the best I can.

M. sent me a Yale Sweatshirt, I’ll be wearing it today. Thanks M! You’re the bestest friend I’ve never met. I couldn’t read your return address very well, can you resend it so I can send you a thank-you note? (Unless this blog mention counts or unless you purposely wrote it so I couldn’t read it just in case I would fly to New York and find you.)

After tomorrow I’ll take a breath. I want to have lunch with friends and decorate my house for That Holiday. Maybe we’ll get a tree. But I won’t think about that right now, I’ll think about that tomorrow.

That’s all Internets, now go plan your week.

***No payment or sexual favors were promised for the endorsement of these events.