I’ve been chronicling my life here for eight years. I don’t look back at posts very often, but today I did. I read that very first post (it’s in the archives,) and was amazed at where I was, where I went, and where I am now. It would seem, that I’ve come back around full circle. Eight years ago I was mourning my marriage to my husband, caught up in a dysfunctional relationship with someone I couldn’t trust, and figuring out what the hell I was going to do with my life.
I moved no where except to the beginning.
Now I’m mourning my marriage to my wife, caught up in a dysfunctional relationship with someone I can’t trust and figuring out what the hell I am going to do with my life. This time, however, wasn’t my choice. I didn’t destroy our life together, on the contrary, I wanted to do everything I could to help save it. I wanted to make it better than it was, and keep moving forward to a future together that we could both be happy in. I didn’t have the choice this time. I didn’t choose this. I didn’t choose not to trust, not to believe, not to understand; I had no ulterior motives or exit strategies. I didn’t put someone else in the middle of my seven-year marriage.
But sometimes we don’t get to choose. Sometimes we don’t have power over our own lives, sometimes that power belongs to someone from long ago who sweeps in and steals it away. Someone who thinks only of herself and not the destruction of her thoughts, words and deeds. Someone untrustworthy and unkind with no apparent ethics, morals or values; someone who would destroy a family and think nothing of her own responsibility in it, only the immediate pleasure and gratification of getting what she wanted.
I’ve known her before. I’ve been her before. I’ve played all three parts in this situation and I know, that it never turns out the way one thinks it will. What starts in chaos ends in chaos; what is born out of destruction and built on the carcass of murdered love and shattered dreams draped with lies, deceit and heartache will never grow into something beautiful. The lies continue between all three players and the one who thinks she’s hears the truth is naive. The one who thinks she speaks the truth can’t, because there is no honesty where deception lives. There is only darkness disguised as light.
So here I am. Afraid of what’s around every corner, sitting with uncertainty, loneliness, pain and questions of what will we do? why? how could this have happened? where will we go? Starting over, but I can’t breath and don’t know how to step in that direction because the one who led my life for so long is now leading hers with someone else. And all of the, “I’ll always love you no matter whats” just linger in the misty grey purgatory where I dwell, and are just as meaningless as I feel.
There are no directions and no beacons of light. Just nothingness in every part of my broken heart.